8/23/26
I watched Train Dreams the other night, and its been on my mind, watching it confirmed my thoughts and feelings on what direction I want to go with my life, and the type of man I want to be. While processing my dad's death, my relationship with my blood family, therapy, taking sex changing hormones, and most scary of all, entering my mid 20s, I've constantly been face to face with the question of 'Who Am I?' It didnt take me long for the daily choice to be my authentic self to not feel like a choice anymore. It's mandatory. I have to be myself, I refuse to kill myself again. I'm still unsure ofwhat exactly I want to do with my life, but I now know happiness isn't a goal. It's an experience, along with sadness and anger. It has been good before it will be good again. In the ending of Train Dreams, Robert Grainer is riding in a small airplane, and he cries because he finally understands it all. Watching him in the sky reassured me that what I want from life is to experience it.
'Wonderful Life' by Smith and Burrows has been a great song for this year, it feels fitting with this entry, and how I discovered this song in aRed Dead Redemption Edit video on Youtube. Music is something I really find myself in, and has been as early as I can remember, so I might be fun to add a song to every entry. We will see if that sticks, my only concern is that I will start writing entries based off songs I like. Instead of finding a song that fits my entry. The goal of this blog to be my authentic self and disgustingly honest.
